... The real world feels like any other summer vacation to me, just more depressing!

I graduated about two weeks ago, and unlike most other of my peers, I told my parents that I didn't want a graduation party. Instead, I traded that for an all-expenses paid trip to France. The thing is, I just feel so guilty for spending money on that when I should be saving up for my move to Philadelphia this August. I think I'll wait til next summer to really celebrate the end of my glory days, ahem, my college years.

But really, less cynically, I've been okay. It took me almost two weeks to move back into my room. I unpacked the right way this summer-- I unpacked as if I would really be staying here for the long term, carefully and meticulously organizing everything, moving furniture around.

I've had nightmares though. At least three times last week, I woke up after the same nightmare. In my bad dreams, I was at a college dorm or at my house at school, and a random group of people I've met over the years  was there. I was crying about how I didn't want to leave. There was always this person, usually a guy, immature and annoying, that kept barging into my room, even though I locked the door. I would wake up, actually shouting.

I think it was my subconscious bubbling up. I have been dreading the move back home to my parents ever since junior year ended. It must seem incredibly selfish of me to say that. I have a nice house, by any standards- a safe community, a fully-stocked kitchen, air-conditioning. I don't have to pay rent or utilities or buy my own groceries anymore. But I really miss my school friends. I miss my housemates, my boyfriend, my campus, my town. I miss being able to drive around town and not have to wait 5 minutes just to make a damn left turn around a jughandle. I miss opening my bedroom door and having a 5 minute conversation turn into a 2 hour heart to heart with my housemate. I miss having my boyfriend over for days at a time. I miss running on campus, with its hills and trees.

My hometown's alright though, I guess. It seems like no one is ever around. My best friends are away, working and being real people. I've been distant for so long that my friends that remain here have their own rhythm, and I am so out of the loop that I feel awkward just calling them and telling them to come over for dinner and catch-up. I have my sister at least, unemployed and living back home, but we have our problems every few days. I can't talk to her the way I talk to friends-- I always feel so defensive, like I'm the kid sister again feeling the need to prove myself. There are things that I can't share with her. I just need friends, put simply. I know, I sound like a loser with a capital L, but I know there are thousands out there who feel just like me-- thousands of newly graduated young people, moving back home to Mom and Dad, leaving behind everything they've known for four years, only to come back to what they knew when they were still teenagers, and expected to just pick up right where they left off four years ago. Keeping in touch has never been my forte, but I tried, and I still try.

I'll be moving out in August, which really will begin the next chapter. I'll be working for Americorps, making pennies, but I'll be helping others which ultimately is my goal. As for the next two months, I'll be here, chillin with Mom and Dad. I feel like this is the time for me to explore new things and have some sort of cliched revelation of myself. We'll see.

For once, I have a Valentine this year! It's never happened before, so let me just have my moment..

I've always loved Valentine's Day, even when I was in my perpetual single state, because I love having that opportunity to be incredibly cheesy and tell everyone that I love how I feel. I love having an excuse to make cookies for my housemates, I love going on my "date" with my dad (who reminded me the other day that he'll always be the #1 man in my life, oh dear..), I love buying flowers for my ma. I love Love.

So, I urge all of you-- single and cynical, or happily taken-- always look for the love that's in your life and celebrate it!